Moleless in Georgetown

1st Lt. [removed], of the United States Air Force, paid Washington, D.C. a visit this weekend for the annual Memorial Day parade. Luckily, the officer and gentlemen found some time in his busy schedule to call me 8 times … I mean hang out with me Saturday night.

Saturday morning, however, was spent on an extended, educational day in D.C. visiting the Holocaust and International Spy Museums. The sites for both infamously brag that visitors can experience the permanent exhibitions in “about 2 hours.” My real life participation rebuttal: 4 hours after having entered the Holocaust museum we hadn’t seen everything. We were actually escorted out of the Spy museum after seeing only 75% of the exhibit when the building closed for the night. This was 3 hours after our admission. Fun!

Even worse, the highly advertised “Spy Treasures of Hollywood” section in the Spy Museum was laughable. The greatest spy franchise, James Bond, has appeared in 20 movies spanning 5 decades. You’d think there would be a lot of props to display from so many scenes in so long a time to choose from. Here’s what the great Washington, D.C. museum had in their posession:

I returned to the Pink Sock to discover I had several voicemails from fellow friends pleading for drunken revelry with yours truly. I felt honored … but first I had to watch the revered Mavs destroy the foul-smelling Suns in game 3! As soon as this well-earned beating finished, I gathered up my Bowmen and headed out to Rosslyn metro station where a semi-drunk [removed] was being “ass-raped” (re: waiting for us). Luckily, Josh Bowman decided to drive, as the clueless [removed] also said the metro would be running until 3am (in fact: it was closing at midnight)!

It was good seeing [removed] again (perhaps the casual fan will know him better as Jungle Bean from international pop sensation Gentle Beans), and I’m here to report he is exactly the same as he was as my college roommate. Well, one notable exception: his coveted facial mole – coined “Milltoid” by an employee high up at the SteverOnline offices – has been removed due to an incorrect assumption of cancer by a USAF doctor. Luckily, unlike the mythological Samson none of [removed]‘s prowess (sexual or otherwise) was diminished with this deduction. One small cause for concern does exist, however, as the current whereabouts of said mole are unknown ([removed]: “They didn’t let me keep it”).

We showed up at the waterfront area of Georgetown where Josh, Cassie, [removed] and I met up with some of [removed]‘s old friends from JMU. Most I had known slightly from my days there as well, but the majority of my night was spent in awe of the [removed] show. And what a performance! He spent the first half of the night dodging having to get a wristband, and then used the absence of one as an excuse for others to buy him beer – the [removed] just keeps on coming! When a drunken guy in a hideous pair of pink shorts whisked his lust-interest (does anyone else remember Tait?) away, he assured to his audience, loudly, that he didn’t care as the gentleman didn’t have any gum (if you don’t understand this reference, I’m afraid that’s as much info as you get here). However, the subtle Cassanova [removed] kept mosying over to where his pink-panted rival had taken Tait off to every 2 minutes to “check on them.” Nay, the mole hole doesn’t stop this [removed]!

When the drinks died down and the party ended, we went our separate ways ([removed] to a tree to piss, and the rest of us towards our parked cars). [removed] alerted us that, although it was fun hanging out, he and Tait were going to “walk the rest of the way home.” Bowman, Cassie and I enjoyed the final, drunk sentence and went to get in Bowman’s car.

Now, Bowman had parked in a nearby garage sporting a giant sign that read: “Operational hours: Monday – Friday: 7am – 8pm.” Nowhere did it mention any weekend hours, but the gates were open and people were inside. As we arrived back at 2am, the gates were closed! Josh and I tried lifting them and squeezing under, but to no avail. A fun and helpful cop came over to “assist” us, but said there was nothing to do – even after Bowman said all he would be doing is stealing his own car. Just then, Tait, with [removed] in side saddle, drove by and helped us out by driving us home. On the way back, Tait got some gas and as she was outside pumping [removed] let us know that we were “eating into his sex time” and that we owed him our lives because “he decided to be nice and drive us home” … all from the passenger seat of someone else’s car! Tiiiiiite!

Everyone made it back to their respective beds … and I’m assuming that a) [removed] was able to get a few minutes in to his nocturnal activities before passing out and b) Josh managed to pry his car from the garage pound, so I’ll go out on a ledge here and say all ended well. But remember …

a [removed] never strikes twice!



  • 1Lt “Jungle Juice”
    Wednesday, May 31st, 2006 at 10:44 | #1

    First off, I find it my civic duty to correct some of the incorrect and malicious lies that have been documented above…
    – During my short stint in the public eye, I was never known as “Jungle Bean.” I have always been known and loved as “Jungle Juice.”
    – Never would a gentleman like myself ever remotely think of using the phrase, “eating into my sex time.”
    – I do not recall saying that myself and Tait were planning to “walk the rest of the way home.”

    And for the record… Ms. Cassie Melnikow forced me to take some cleavage pictures of her chest and unknown to me, St. Anus had found a way to pry the camera away from me sometime afterwards and very discretely erased said pictures… I find this appalling and improper… I feel as though my and Cassie’s First Amendment rights as American citizens were violated by this act of deception, cowardice, and impropriety.

  • Sunday, December 30th, 2007 at 07:55 | #2

    Actually, I should retract some of my previous objections. While I am correct in stating that a gentleman would never say, “eating into my sex time” I should admit that I did actually say it that night… however, no harm done, as I made up for the loss of time later that night by keeping her up until dawn. Although, neither of us could really say it was all that good, because we were both wasted. Thanks anyways, Tait.

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